January explanations

New Years usually calls for resolutions and newly announced goals. Since I haven’t posted anything in almost four months, I think I should probably explain what’s been going on.

Last year I talked about making big changes in my life. I (briefly) quit my job and moved two states over. I was excited for my new life and anxious to get out of the Midwest.

My new life in Pennsylvania turned out to be more difficult than I could have imagined. Work was not going smoothly, and I was making significantly less than I’d hoped. Actually, nothing about my move went smoothly.

My plan was to do a bit of traveling in that part of the country, maybe make a trip up to Canada, and save up enough money to move again in a year. Things went from bad to worse after the first month, causing me more stress than I could deal with. I found myself sinking faster than I ever have before. It was time to make another move.

In the middle of October I decided to move back to Indiana. It was something I never thought I’d do. I wanted to get out of this state, thinking that anywhere would be better than this cornfield. I quickly realized how lucky I had been in Indiana. I had friends and family that supported me no matter what.

I cried when I told my mom I was coming back. I felt like a failure. I made such a big deal about making my own decision to move away and it blew up so horribly. My mom didn’t scold me like I thought she would. She was happy for me. She told me to do what I thought was best, and that she’d support me no matter what. I really do have the best parents.

So, in the middle of November, the day before my birthday and four days before Thanksgiving, I made the 7 hour drive back to Indiana. The cats cried, and I cried, and it snowed while I was moving my stuff in to the apartment I hadn’t seen before signing the lease. It was an emotional week.

I started work the next day, then cried when I got home. I came back with nothing. I used all my money to put a deposit on the apartment. Half of my kitchen stuff had been packed away at my parents house or tossed out in July when I left town. My toaster and blender both broke down. My bookcases had been tossed when I moved out in July because there was no space in the truck to put them. Three quarters of my books are packed away in boxes somewhere.

I haven’t been able to replace any of the things I lost when I moved. I’m barely making it now, but I know in a few months I’ll be fine. I’m just lucky that I have the support of my family and friends. I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful.

I’ve realized that my happiness starts with me. I was tired of how things were going in Indiana, so I moved. The problem wasn’t Indiana, though. It was my attitude and my constant excuses for not getting any thing done. My life in Pennsylvania was even worse. I wanted to do so much, but I found myself restricted in the strangest ways. Part of the reason I’m so happy to be back is that I have my independence again. I have the freedom to do whatever I want in my apartment, and a spacious bedroom to retreat to when I need a break from everything else. And, I’m happy to report, my cat is eating his food again. The last few months in PA he was barely eating anything. I could tell he was stressed out, and I knew the only way to help him was to get him out of that environment. He seems more comfortable in this apartment than he ever was in PA. He’s back to being a happy, plump kitty now.

I normally wouldn’t share this much of my life, but I’ve decided to take a new approach to things. I was frustrated and angry when I decided to move away. I was letting a bully ruin my work, which I used to enjoy. I was making excuses and not doing what I needed to do.

I’ve decided that the best thing for me to do is be positive. I am enjoying my job again. I no longer dread going in each day. I get along with my coworkers, and try to brush off any negativity. I’m writing again, and plotting and planning my moves for this year.

I bought myself a planner this week, for the first time in a few years. I loved having a planner and writing down what I need to do and making notes of things. I don’t know why I stopped using one, but I’m excited to keep myself organized now.

I have started a small reading challenge with a few of my friends. This month we’re going to be reading books that were made into movies. I picked “Water for Elephants”. It’ll probably end with me in tears, but I think that’s part of the challenge.

Thank you for reading this long post. I hope everyone had a good holiday, and I’m looking forward to all the great things we’re going to accomplish this year!!



About Jess

I'm just going to keep writing until I run out of words
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